“If we could begin to see much illness itself not as a cruel twist of fate or some nefarious mystery but rather as an expected and therefore normal consequence of abnormal, unnatural circumstances, it would have revolutionary implications for how we approach everything health related.”
― Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture
It has become common knowledge these days in the field of mindbody wellness that the inability to say ‘no’ predisposes the individual to chronic pain and illness. What once may have seemed a rather fanciful theory has now been repeatedly reaffirmed through decades of observation and research.
In a nutshell, I am referring to the inability to say ‘No’ to requests, circumstances and events that go against our values or that are contrary to what we really want to be doing instead. This trait is a ticket to dissatisfaction and leads to the buildup of internal frustration and repressed anger, factors that most often lead to the onset of MindBody Syndrome (TMS).
But in this article, I’d like to discuss another, less ‘obvious’ dimension to this tendency; and that’s when we keep ourselves living in a state of deprivation from what we truly want.
Gabor Maté’s take on the deprivation of the self
Toward the end of his book The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture, the physician and trauma expert Gabor Maté provides some guidelines on how we can step out of our trauma-based responses, which so often lead to chronic pain, illness, depression, and all sorts of other issues.
Maté starts by mentioning the importance of learning to say no, but he also emphasises one other aspect. He poses the following question to his readers:
"Where have I ignored or denied the “yes” that wanted to be said?”
This question struck a chord with me. Over the years, I eventually learnt how to say no to things and situations that I don’t want to accept, because I have experienced first hand the emotional and physical damage of not doing so.
But one thing that I still sometimes struggle with is saying yes; yes to those inner whims and desires to get out into the world and do something that might bring me satisfaction, relaxation or wellness in any form. Because, we so often wonder, what would other people think if we really did this or that? What if I failed? What if?
Are YOU able to say yes?
Let me put it this way so you can check whether you resonate as well:
How many times have you delayed doing something relaxing or fulfilling, because you simply “had too much to do”?
How many times did you come up with an excuse not to buy yourself something, even a small treat, “because you wanted to save up?”
How many times have you found an excuse not to do something (such as respond to an inner calling) because of doubt or fear that it may not work out?
How many times did you promise yourself you’d do [X] or [Y] but then didn’t?
I’m not suggesting you go about splurging all your savings today. Neither am I suggesting that you refuse to get any work done.
It’s all about being wise enough to realize when things are going too far when it comes to certain duties and responsibilities, especially self-imposed ones.
The body as Messenger - and why you should heed it
If you are in tune with your emotional state, you will get gentle warning signs when you deprive yourself for long enough. You might wake up one morning feeling drained or unmotivated, or you may even get a physical symptom, like a headache, allergies or flu-like symptoms.
If these warning signs go unheeded, symptoms may progress to depression or chronic symptoms like unexplained pain or gastrointestinal conditions.
Needless to say, it is preferable to ‘catch’ these signs early on, to avoid their worsening. When you start feeling tired or drained, it’s a good time to ask what you may be denying yourself. What could you treat yourself to? How long has it been since you took a good relaxing break? What’s the excuse behind not going to the spa, or behind not paying for the gym class membership which your inner voice keeps crying out for?
Very often, we make excuses based on ‘shoulds’ that do not originate from ourselves, but from rules and standards that have been imposed on us by society. If you grew up in a family that favoured hard work above all else, then it’s no wonder that you feel guilty about taking a break to relax.
But if your inner self is literally crying for that time out, then it’s your responsibility to recognize this calling, as early as possible.
And here’s something that we often fail to see when we end up making excuses: Somehow, even though we may be feel like we’re being less productive and more careless with our time or money when we stop to attend to our needs, further down the line, we may end up becoming more productive and more abundant.
To mention career as an example, quitting a job may end up getting you into a more lucrative job. Taking a break may put you in a more productive state when you return, and you’ll get back whatever you’ve lost in the meantime - and more! It’s the way the world works!
Self-actualization is the number one factor in healing…
You may believe that there are all sorts of tools and techniques that can help you restore balance and heal chronic pain or other ailments. While this is true, what’s often overlooked is the fact that self-actualization is more important than all of these techniques put together.
Sitting down to meditate for 15 minutes a day will not do the trick if you’re keeping yourself in a toxic work situation.
Doing exercises to stimulate the vagus nerve will do nothing if you’re unable to give yourself true love by finding activities and opportunities that ignite the joy within. And the same could be said for almost any technique out there, unless the technique itself brings about emotional release and long-term relaxation.
So if you’ve been struggling, but you haven’t been seeing results - in the form of more calm, peace and less symptoms - then it may be time to have a good look at what you’ve been withholding from yourself.
What haven’t you been saying yes to? Do the excuses justify the consequence of remaining stuck in poor mental and / or physical health?
At the end of the day, it is up to you to prioritize. Nobody else will put your own needs first.
References
Joanna Cheek, M.D., Smiling to Death: The Hidden Dangers of Being ‘Nice’, Psychology Today, April 2023.
Gabor Mate, The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture, Vermillion, 2022.